I'm so tired...

Hi guys... I'm back again.

Not good news at all.

This week has been torturous. When I thought my depression has gone away, I got reminded with another break down. And I realised it has actually never left me.

Suicidal thoughts are here and there. Visions came back. I am just so tired. Working in a fast paced creative environment makes the whole thing even more stressful.

I am writing from the second break down this week.

Cried in my room again. I really wished I could cry all night with my hearts out but then my family would notice and I am afraid that they would laugh at me again. My mum probably would think it's funny and childish, my dad would think that I never grew up and I am weak. My brother would just pity me and could have done nothing in the end.

I really hate to predict all these in my mind because I know they may not be true. However, from my last confrontation, which didn't went well, but instead went according to my predictions, I had lost faith somehow.

I guessed today's cause was due to the stress I felt. That I needed to plan and organise another family trip again. And there so many small incidents today that made me feel like if I am not there with my family, things might not go well, as in, there might be a fight.

I felt that I have to be there and be responsible. Such a shitty feeling. I felt like I'm locked up in a cage. I felt like my father.

I didn't want to go there.

Every time I go there, I felt sorry for my father. How much sacrifices had he made for his family and our family. I felt guilty some how. A need to help me through as much as I can. But head hurts as well as my heart.

When ever I break down, all I can think is, somebody help me. Help me. Please. Help.

Crying out loud is not the problem. It is the inner cries that drives me insane. Every single time when I want to cry, I couldn't because I am either outside, in the bus, with my family, friends, such.

The only time to let my tears flow is during sleep. Which made me realise, I have been doing that for pretty much all my days in secondary 3 and 4. But nobody knows.


There are also days where I felt like I am accomplish my goals, my dreams. Well, they are all in my head. But I just felt powerful. But now, I just felt worthless and meaningless. I want to leave.

My sucidal thoughts scares me sometimes. How often I thought about them. How detailed the scenes are. How much I wanted to leave. But I just hold on to what I can hold on to. Try not to find more reasons to make the real thing happen.


I hope for the best and that life would be so much easier.


Thanks for reading or listening to me and I am so thankful I have an outlet here.


Goodnight.

1st April 2016

I'm in my most unstable moments in my life right now.

Super lost and pushing myself to go everywhere so that I don't start thinking again.

Trying to be positive but it just doesn't seem right / feels right.

This is literally the worst feeling.

My goals and dreams have been scattered everywhere and it seems so complicated now.

I remember that my goals used to be so pure and simple.


Now there so many factors questioning me again and again if this is the right route for me.

Should I stop and think about it or should I just go with the flow?

2016...oh gosh

Dear who ever is reading,

After my previous post, things have gotten...much better? Well, just for a while.

After my previous post, I had a somewhat confrontation with my parents about how I felt with relatives coming over, studies, well pretty much everything.

I had a release of whatever is stuffed up in my chest and it felt great, however, the confrontation was just an release but not an solution. Their reaction was... maybe it's just how they deal with things.

My mum thought maybe I am GOING to have a depression. I think she's worried, I don't know. She doesn't really look at my face when I was talking or she's talking to me. maybe because I was crying the whole time? But it just doesn't feel right.

I mean I thought I was already Having a depression..well.. I didn't tell them how bad it was. I just asked them if I am really not that great and I didn't really reach their exception so on.

So, the conversation just ended with me still crying... at one corner. And they just went on and do their stuff. So I went into the room and cried myself to sleep. And that night was the worst night I ever had. I would wake up a few times and feel very anxious and very very irritated with myself. Then I started kicking the bed sheets, kicking myself. My hands will just be hitting the bed and also myself. Then I will be out of breath and gasping for air.

But after that night, everything was better. I don't know why. I started to become more positive and looking for jobs so on. And things went really well after that, I got a job I wanted and had made terms with my parents on the school I am going to apply for.

Things changed. Recently.

Sometimes the depression come back. And I had that feeling again. It was bad and I tried to resist it.

But things had gotten worse now. Because after I got my confidence back, I started to realise my goals and ambition and it was like finding back my passion again, like seeing colours again after a long long time.

But I knew that this will not go well with my parents. I mean they say they will support me in whatever I do but somehow their actions and words doesn't match up.

FYI, my hair is really short now, I had a decision to shop off my long hair this short bob chin length hairstyle. I really like it. And I love how I can see myself better through this change in hair. It's like I getting to know myself better. But it also meant that the people around me have to accept who I am going to become.. well more accurately what I am going to look like. Because my personality isn't going to change, only my looks.

So last night I went to a rock concert and I got a temporary tattoo. It quite huge, it was on my right bottom arm. And I loved it. I love how it gives me confidence. That tattoo I had says, "STAY FOOL STAY COOL". Then my dad saw it and his first reaction was like, "Can't the that be removed?".

Then I answered, "Do you want me to?" He didn't reply.

I wanted to stand up for things I love and made me confident for who I am. But they are things which people just don't want to see in me because they have exception of the kind of person I am going to become.

I don't to let them down but at the same time I want to be myself. It's confusing and heart breaking for me sometimes when I see my parents getting sick and my dad has an operation next Tuesday. Sometimes I wished I could just give up everything and be that daughter they wanted but I also know that it not the right thing to do. So I will just cry time by time, alone and hoping they didn't notice.

My heart breaks and eyes they burn.

My appetite is getting worser and sometimes I hoped they noticed.

Sometimes I wonder if I am too attached to my parents, that I give too much damn to what they feel and think. But, they are the people I loved the most. More than anything and anyone in the world. And I really don't want to lose them.

I don't know if I need therapy butI just hope things will get better. Somehow.

If you finished reading this long and draggy post, I thank you with all my heart because this blog is the only outlet I have, as I am also a person who doesn't like to share too much negativity with people around me.

Thank you.

And lets wish for the best.

STAY FOOL
STAY COOL
STAY YOU

Nikki (I just decided this will be my english name.)

Help...?

I don't know what to do anymore...

I had a few breakdowns today.

Parents were quarrelling or you could say they are having a debate in the living room.

I was still thinking if I really wanted to get the One Ok Rock concert ticket because I kinda lost interest in the concert already.

The ticket also is not cheap. I thought I had to make a trip down to sistic in order to skip the booking fee online. But ended up, there was still the booking fee because I buy their tickets through sistic so it's a sistic handling fee.

But anyway because I don't wanna hear them "debating" anymore, I left the house.

Took bus 81 to tampines interchange. Tried not to cry on the bus... It's hard..

I was sad because I blame myself for unable to help my parents to no quarrel and have questions about each other's actions. I was sad and angry for being useless.

In the end I got my ticket and went home. I shouldn't have went home so early... Should have went home after dinner. Eating together with my relatives was super hard, I lost my appetite even though I was super hungry. I wanted to stop eating but I couldn't because my parents would look bad for having such a weird, emo daughter at home and my relatives would then question about me even more.

So what's waiting at home was another battle. My aunts were at the house and I really don't feel comfortable with them around in the house. I felt like I'm being judged every single second. I hate it when my parents discussed with them about me.

They come almost every weekend and I just have to deal with it. I do not hate them, they are my relatives. It's just I couldn't be with them, their habits and the way speak about others.

The worse of all is that I hate what my parents turned into when they are with them. It's like they are not themselves anymore. My parents know about me disliking them coming to the house but they don't know the reason why. They said that there are my aunts and another thing was that they are divorced. I have to accept them whole heartedly and try not to show my distasteful face.

I know my parents don't want me to feel angry about them coming our house but at the same time they feel the need to invite them because they are our relatives.

So whenever they come, I try my best to keep my emotions in then sometimes I forgot that I ignore my parents and show them attitude in front of my relatives. After that I would go inside my room and feel bad about it. Then it starts. I started to hate myself for being such a asshole infront of my relatives and whenever my parents came into my room and give me snacks, I would hate myself even more.

I would just breakdown into tears, closing my ears with my hands. As if they are voices in my head telling me how bad of a daughter I am and I shouldn't deserve all this. Why am I living, that kind of things.

I have thought about confronting my parents about this. Telling them about how sorry I felt to still not being able to accept my relatives coming over. But I'm afraid about their reactions, I'm afraid they would say why can't I accept my relatives and that I'm such a hard person to deal with. That why don't I love my relatives, I'm related to them.

If it really turns out that way, I might just end it. And somehow I did not feel any regret thinking about ending it, I was considering it. And I'm afraid...

Depression....?

Hi... So here's some life updates.

1. I've stopped working since 5 Aug 2015.
2. Auditioned with another new band last Friday.
3. Will be taking up official guitar lessons from Yamaha from Nov.
4. Certain to take up Graphic design for my degree.
5. Depression have gotten worse.

I guessed it was yesterday night that made me feel that what has been bothering me was really Depression...
I remembered clearly when I was taking the escalator down, I was looking down the mall and there's this thought of just falling down and ending... well... life.

I felt really useless and such a burden.

I blamed myself for not being able to give people comfort when they're sad or angry.
I blamed myself for not putting in much thoughts into my friend's birthdays, their presents.
I blamed myself for my parents' body aches, their physical discomfort, their worries about me.
And that if I continued this way, I might just end up with no friends when I am old.
And because of my low self esteem, I might not even get a partner.
So what does it even matter when there's no one by my side when I'm old and dying.
And I couldn't blame any one for this because it is just me, I couldn't help myself...........

However, sometimes I feel such positive energy and that I could do something great in life.
I'm guessing maybe I'm experiencing bipolar depression? Well, I googled...things gotten so bad yesterday. There are so many times where sucidal thoughts have gone through my head. Well, most of them when I'm on escalator and the thought of just falling down.

What should I do? Maybe I should seriously start looking for a job, divert my thoughts to somewhere else... But in the mean time, I guess I just have to deal with it.

I mean the last time I remembered when I also have sucidal thoughts was when I'm about to quit my job, which is only a few months back. Afterwards when I quitted, I tried talking to one of my close friends about it, but I didn't yet much reply... Well, I thought she was the only closer friend I had... Maybe not for her but I thought that me saying I have sucidal thoughts to her doesn't seem important, and that even if I die, it doesn't matter.

That maybe even the reason that I die, they might even think that it's stupid and dumb. Because in their eyes, I have a perfect life, a perfect family, I don't have financial issues and that I am just a small  innocent girl that listened well to her parents, too scared of doing wild stuff and a coward. I live life better than most of my friends and people I know, I shouldn't feel sad or depressed, I'm not allowed to feel this way. Somehow even when I feel sad or depressed, I feel like I'm committing somehow like a sin.

There's apparently no one I could talk to... I am glad at least I could type all this out. Hopefully I feel much better. Sometimes I thought I should tell my parents about this but I don't want them to worry about me anymore, or maybe even worse, they might not think the "thing" going on with me is important... That way, I might really do it...

I looked around my room, what I have, I don't feel like they belong to me. All I felt was guilt and weight on me. I shouldn't deserve all this. I cannot expect more.

I really wanted to go off, away to study my degree. Not because I just like being overseas, but I think I can heal myself over there. Recently I'm thinking of New Zealand, the air is great, there are mountains and rivers...

But then my major concern were my parents. Who is going to take care of them when I'm not around. I don't expect my brother to because he has a way more promising and great life in front of him then I think he should focus on that. And when he succeeds in life, at least it could bring happiness into my parents life. Unlike me. All I ever brought to them was my tempered attitude, problems, not going into the path they wished, always doing things the other way...

Hopefully I can pick up my courage and tell them I want to go to New Zealand.

Till then,
Wish me the best of luck..

I feel like blank.

The feeling of being at the edge of tears almost every single time. 

Where every single sound around are like a thousand pricks on my skin 

Where every single skin contact creates monsters in my head. 

I need silence. 

Can I take silence? 

Or is silence even more torturous. 

At times I thought that I am sick, 

At times I feel that I am normal. 

That I am capable to be like everyone else. 

Sometimes I see images in my head. 

Not visuals and short films. 

More like a movie and I can even control the speed of event and also change the story myself. 

All these thoughts. 

All these visuals. 

Made me think that I needed silence and I needed to close my eyes. 

But these doesn't make anything better. 

Only distraction. 

Only directing my attention away to something else. Escaping,  running away. 

Far. Far. Away.

6thJuly Sending Kisses *MUA*

I have no idea

How I always stayed up late
And just scroll through social media
Forgetting that I live in the Reality
But forever staying in a world that never exist

My Tumblr reminds me of who I am
What I am Capable of
Who I always wanted to Become
Someone Whom I Adore
Someone Whom I am Familiar with
But never knew.

One : Nineteen AM

Everybody'sasleepandI'mlisteningtoSecretsbyOneRebublic