Depression....?

Hi... So here's some life updates.

1. I've stopped working since 5 Aug 2015.
2. Auditioned with another new band last Friday.
3. Will be taking up official guitar lessons from Yamaha from Nov.
4. Certain to take up Graphic design for my degree.
5. Depression have gotten worse.

I guessed it was yesterday night that made me feel that what has been bothering me was really Depression...
I remembered clearly when I was taking the escalator down, I was looking down the mall and there's this thought of just falling down and ending... well... life.

I felt really useless and such a burden.

I blamed myself for not being able to give people comfort when they're sad or angry.
I blamed myself for not putting in much thoughts into my friend's birthdays, their presents.
I blamed myself for my parents' body aches, their physical discomfort, their worries about me.
And that if I continued this way, I might just end up with no friends when I am old.
And because of my low self esteem, I might not even get a partner.
So what does it even matter when there's no one by my side when I'm old and dying.
And I couldn't blame any one for this because it is just me, I couldn't help myself...........

However, sometimes I feel such positive energy and that I could do something great in life.
I'm guessing maybe I'm experiencing bipolar depression? Well, I googled...things gotten so bad yesterday. There are so many times where sucidal thoughts have gone through my head. Well, most of them when I'm on escalator and the thought of just falling down.

What should I do? Maybe I should seriously start looking for a job, divert my thoughts to somewhere else... But in the mean time, I guess I just have to deal with it.

I mean the last time I remembered when I also have sucidal thoughts was when I'm about to quit my job, which is only a few months back. Afterwards when I quitted, I tried talking to one of my close friends about it, but I didn't yet much reply... Well, I thought she was the only closer friend I had... Maybe not for her but I thought that me saying I have sucidal thoughts to her doesn't seem important, and that even if I die, it doesn't matter.

That maybe even the reason that I die, they might even think that it's stupid and dumb. Because in their eyes, I have a perfect life, a perfect family, I don't have financial issues and that I am just a small  innocent girl that listened well to her parents, too scared of doing wild stuff and a coward. I live life better than most of my friends and people I know, I shouldn't feel sad or depressed, I'm not allowed to feel this way. Somehow even when I feel sad or depressed, I feel like I'm committing somehow like a sin.

There's apparently no one I could talk to... I am glad at least I could type all this out. Hopefully I feel much better. Sometimes I thought I should tell my parents about this but I don't want them to worry about me anymore, or maybe even worse, they might not think the "thing" going on with me is important... That way, I might really do it...

I looked around my room, what I have, I don't feel like they belong to me. All I felt was guilt and weight on me. I shouldn't deserve all this. I cannot expect more.

I really wanted to go off, away to study my degree. Not because I just like being overseas, but I think I can heal myself over there. Recently I'm thinking of New Zealand, the air is great, there are mountains and rivers...

But then my major concern were my parents. Who is going to take care of them when I'm not around. I don't expect my brother to because he has a way more promising and great life in front of him then I think he should focus on that. And when he succeeds in life, at least it could bring happiness into my parents life. Unlike me. All I ever brought to them was my tempered attitude, problems, not going into the path they wished, always doing things the other way...

Hopefully I can pick up my courage and tell them I want to go to New Zealand.

Till then,
Wish me the best of luck..