Help...?

I don't know what to do anymore...

I had a few breakdowns today.

Parents were quarrelling or you could say they are having a debate in the living room.

I was still thinking if I really wanted to get the One Ok Rock concert ticket because I kinda lost interest in the concert already.

The ticket also is not cheap. I thought I had to make a trip down to sistic in order to skip the booking fee online. But ended up, there was still the booking fee because I buy their tickets through sistic so it's a sistic handling fee.

But anyway because I don't wanna hear them "debating" anymore, I left the house.

Took bus 81 to tampines interchange. Tried not to cry on the bus... It's hard..

I was sad because I blame myself for unable to help my parents to no quarrel and have questions about each other's actions. I was sad and angry for being useless.

In the end I got my ticket and went home. I shouldn't have went home so early... Should have went home after dinner. Eating together with my relatives was super hard, I lost my appetite even though I was super hungry. I wanted to stop eating but I couldn't because my parents would look bad for having such a weird, emo daughter at home and my relatives would then question about me even more.

So what's waiting at home was another battle. My aunts were at the house and I really don't feel comfortable with them around in the house. I felt like I'm being judged every single second. I hate it when my parents discussed with them about me.

They come almost every weekend and I just have to deal with it. I do not hate them, they are my relatives. It's just I couldn't be with them, their habits and the way speak about others.

The worse of all is that I hate what my parents turned into when they are with them. It's like they are not themselves anymore. My parents know about me disliking them coming to the house but they don't know the reason why. They said that there are my aunts and another thing was that they are divorced. I have to accept them whole heartedly and try not to show my distasteful face.

I know my parents don't want me to feel angry about them coming our house but at the same time they feel the need to invite them because they are our relatives.

So whenever they come, I try my best to keep my emotions in then sometimes I forgot that I ignore my parents and show them attitude in front of my relatives. After that I would go inside my room and feel bad about it. Then it starts. I started to hate myself for being such a asshole infront of my relatives and whenever my parents came into my room and give me snacks, I would hate myself even more.

I would just breakdown into tears, closing my ears with my hands. As if they are voices in my head telling me how bad of a daughter I am and I shouldn't deserve all this. Why am I living, that kind of things.

I have thought about confronting my parents about this. Telling them about how sorry I felt to still not being able to accept my relatives coming over. But I'm afraid about their reactions, I'm afraid they would say why can't I accept my relatives and that I'm such a hard person to deal with. That why don't I love my relatives, I'm related to them.

If it really turns out that way, I might just end it. And somehow I did not feel any regret thinking about ending it, I was considering it. And I'm afraid...