2016...oh gosh

Dear who ever is reading,

After my previous post, things have gotten...much better? Well, just for a while.

After my previous post, I had a somewhat confrontation with my parents about how I felt with relatives coming over, studies, well pretty much everything.

I had a release of whatever is stuffed up in my chest and it felt great, however, the confrontation was just an release but not an solution. Their reaction was... maybe it's just how they deal with things.

My mum thought maybe I am GOING to have a depression. I think she's worried, I don't know. She doesn't really look at my face when I was talking or she's talking to me. maybe because I was crying the whole time? But it just doesn't feel right.

I mean I thought I was already Having a depression..well.. I didn't tell them how bad it was. I just asked them if I am really not that great and I didn't really reach their exception so on.

So, the conversation just ended with me still crying... at one corner. And they just went on and do their stuff. So I went into the room and cried myself to sleep. And that night was the worst night I ever had. I would wake up a few times and feel very anxious and very very irritated with myself. Then I started kicking the bed sheets, kicking myself. My hands will just be hitting the bed and also myself. Then I will be out of breath and gasping for air.

But after that night, everything was better. I don't know why. I started to become more positive and looking for jobs so on. And things went really well after that, I got a job I wanted and had made terms with my parents on the school I am going to apply for.

Things changed. Recently.

Sometimes the depression come back. And I had that feeling again. It was bad and I tried to resist it.

But things had gotten worse now. Because after I got my confidence back, I started to realise my goals and ambition and it was like finding back my passion again, like seeing colours again after a long long time.

But I knew that this will not go well with my parents. I mean they say they will support me in whatever I do but somehow their actions and words doesn't match up.

FYI, my hair is really short now, I had a decision to shop off my long hair this short bob chin length hairstyle. I really like it. And I love how I can see myself better through this change in hair. It's like I getting to know myself better. But it also meant that the people around me have to accept who I am going to become.. well more accurately what I am going to look like. Because my personality isn't going to change, only my looks.

So last night I went to a rock concert and I got a temporary tattoo. It quite huge, it was on my right bottom arm. And I loved it. I love how it gives me confidence. That tattoo I had says, "STAY FOOL STAY COOL". Then my dad saw it and his first reaction was like, "Can't the that be removed?".

Then I answered, "Do you want me to?" He didn't reply.

I wanted to stand up for things I love and made me confident for who I am. But they are things which people just don't want to see in me because they have exception of the kind of person I am going to become.

I don't to let them down but at the same time I want to be myself. It's confusing and heart breaking for me sometimes when I see my parents getting sick and my dad has an operation next Tuesday. Sometimes I wished I could just give up everything and be that daughter they wanted but I also know that it not the right thing to do. So I will just cry time by time, alone and hoping they didn't notice.

My heart breaks and eyes they burn.

My appetite is getting worser and sometimes I hoped they noticed.

Sometimes I wonder if I am too attached to my parents, that I give too much damn to what they feel and think. But, they are the people I loved the most. More than anything and anyone in the world. And I really don't want to lose them.

I don't know if I need therapy butI just hope things will get better. Somehow.

If you finished reading this long and draggy post, I thank you with all my heart because this blog is the only outlet I have, as I am also a person who doesn't like to share too much negativity with people around me.

Thank you.

And lets wish for the best.

STAY FOOL
STAY COOL
STAY YOU

Nikki (I just decided this will be my english name.)