I'm so tired...

Hi guys... I'm back again.

Not good news at all.

This week has been torturous. When I thought my depression has gone away, I got reminded with another break down. And I realised it has actually never left me.

Suicidal thoughts are here and there. Visions came back. I am just so tired. Working in a fast paced creative environment makes the whole thing even more stressful.

I am writing from the second break down this week.

Cried in my room again. I really wished I could cry all night with my hearts out but then my family would notice and I am afraid that they would laugh at me again. My mum probably would think it's funny and childish, my dad would think that I never grew up and I am weak. My brother would just pity me and could have done nothing in the end.

I really hate to predict all these in my mind because I know they may not be true. However, from my last confrontation, which didn't went well, but instead went according to my predictions, I had lost faith somehow.

I guessed today's cause was due to the stress I felt. That I needed to plan and organise another family trip again. And there so many small incidents today that made me feel like if I am not there with my family, things might not go well, as in, there might be a fight.

I felt that I have to be there and be responsible. Such a shitty feeling. I felt like I'm locked up in a cage. I felt like my father.

I didn't want to go there.

Every time I go there, I felt sorry for my father. How much sacrifices had he made for his family and our family. I felt guilty some how. A need to help me through as much as I can. But head hurts as well as my heart.

When ever I break down, all I can think is, somebody help me. Help me. Please. Help.

Crying out loud is not the problem. It is the inner cries that drives me insane. Every single time when I want to cry, I couldn't because I am either outside, in the bus, with my family, friends, such.

The only time to let my tears flow is during sleep. Which made me realise, I have been doing that for pretty much all my days in secondary 3 and 4. But nobody knows.


There are also days where I felt like I am accomplish my goals, my dreams. Well, they are all in my head. But I just felt powerful. But now, I just felt worthless and meaningless. I want to leave.

My sucidal thoughts scares me sometimes. How often I thought about them. How detailed the scenes are. How much I wanted to leave. But I just hold on to what I can hold on to. Try not to find more reasons to make the real thing happen.


I hope for the best and that life would be so much easier.


Thanks for reading or listening to me and I am so thankful I have an outlet here.


Goodnight.